Portrait photography is self-care.
‘It just seems to vain, why would I want to look at myself in pictures?’
If I had a penny for every time someone said that to me, I’d have at least a tenner. Maybe more, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
Do you know why self portaits have been so powerful for me? It’s because it’s forced me to confront some of the darkest parts of my own psyche and face it head on. There’s no hiding from yourself when you look at who you are in photos. It takes a lot of bravery, bravery I didn’t know I had, to do it.
Looking at myself, especially after the birth of my youngest and my body had changed so much, was hard. It was really hard to get rid of that internal monologue that told me I was too fat, too ugly, too much, and somehow still not enough. That voice that told me I was lazy for not losing the weight, the voice that told me I wasn’t disciplined enough to diet, the one that told me to hide myself for the shame.
It can be really distressing listening to all the self talk we go through when we see ourselves. I know it really trashed my fragile self esteem in the beginning.
But.
And there is a but.
I got curious.
Where did that thought come from? Where did the idea that I have to be thin to be beautiful come from? Fashion designers. Who are notoriously frugal and would rather make a perfect size 0 gown because it uses less fabric. Did that apply to me?
No. I make a lot of my own clothes, I don’t need the opinions of fashion designers to define my self worth.
Where did the idea I was lazy come from? Well, that’s easy. I have ADHD so ‘lazy’ is the slur we hear the most. It’s internalised ableism and, while hard to do, I can overcome. I’ve been working with Jen at Team Get Shit Done (check her out she’s amazing!) and she’s been instrumental at helping knock that particular thought on the head.
It never ceases to amaze me how many of the harsh, negative, voices in my head weren’t mine. They were the opinions of others and almost all of them weren’t actually true. Or things I even really cared about. I was so wrapped up in the opinions of others, I hadn’t stopped to really think about what I wanted or needed.
So I threw the opinions out the door. Gathered them up and said ‘fashion designer, ADHD deniers, GET OUT!’.
Was it a miracle fix?
Yeah, for about ten minutes.
It’s an ongoing practice for me now. A moment of self care and self reflection when I see myself in the mirror or in self portraits. I have to sit and go through the negative thoughts and really explore them.
Sure, it gets easier and faster with practice but it’s not a once and done thing. Right now I’m struggling with feelings of worthiness after my marriage blew up in my face. But I know where those voices come from now, and I’m working on kicking them to the curb.